Kim Yo-jong, Stepford Sister to North Korean teddy bear model and Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un, accused the Biden administration of “causing a stink at its first step“, CNN and others report. In response, Secretary of State Tony Blinken, working closely with Comedy Central, has deployed a crack team of American and British comedians, trash-talkers, and s***posters to Pyongyang. Their goal: a humanitarian mission to modernize North Korea’s smack talk arsenal, bringing it closer to modern norms.
The accusation was immediately met with giggles and titters of laughter throughout the U.S. Department of State and members of the Biden administration; a senior member at State, commenting on condition on anonymity, said “Is this out of a 1950 B-grade film noir? I mean come on, ‘causing a stink’? We’re the most powerful nation in the world and this cosplay-consigliere clown is taunting us with lines that Spongebob’s writers would leave on the cutting floor? What a dope.”
“We take this opportunity to warn the new US administration trying hard to give off powder smell in our land… If it wants to sleep in peace for (the) coming four years, it had better refrain from causing a stink at its first step.”, said Yo-jong in a hand-written statement, clearly unaware that what she clearly intended to be fiery and threatening instead resembled the ramblings of an awkward teen reading their first slam poetry at a competition which they will never, ever win.
The Team
Celebrity actor and famous person Samuel L. Jackson, part of the delegation heading to Pyongyang, simply shook his head, murmuring “Oh sheeeee***yut…” Comedian Bill Burr, fresh off yet another stint of not giving one fresh f*** about anyone who doesn’t like one of his bits, this time at the Grammys, said “That’s what they f***ing think scares us? Powder smell? Listen, she wouldn’t last thirty seconds in Winter Hill. We need to get this backwater b**** a few beers, kick back, and just rag on her til she’s ready to do this s*** on the world stage.”
Comedian Judy Gold had a more thoughtful response: “This is a good chance for us to go over there and stir up a little ruckus, foment a verbal dust-up, rustle up a rousing rowdy brawl. It’s all just a hoot! I don’t know what in tarnation she’s expectin, but we’ll have a good looky-loo and show her what’s the what what with the up in this hizzuh. What the Dickens?”
“Look, we just gotta bring these folks along. They got missiles and s***,” said Burr, fourth bottle of Sam Adams Jack-O Pumpkin Boston Ale in hand, “but if they don’t get their f***in’ smack talk into this century, that’s it, ya know? End of story, they’re just gonna be sittin’ ducks. We haven’t even unleashed Chappelle on them yet, and that’s when s*** gets real.”
“Lollll, this third-rate assmunch finna get her #ass kicked on here, #blessed #tryfeedinyourowncountryfirstb****”, said user @YoJongKimchi on Twitter.
What’s Next For North Korea
A second phase of humanitarian assistance is planned for North Korea this summer: a crack team of stylists aiming to remedy hair gaffes; their Supreme Leader is regularly mocked on both Instagram, Gopher, and LiveJournal for haircuts styled after House Party, but without the curls.
Representatives for Kim Yo-jong were silent on whether she planned to respond with a roiling missive, a firmly-worded parchment, or some manner of acerbic page boy or herald.