House and Senate Republicans reacted in awe today, remarking on the gargantuan girth of Joe Biden’s package, all the while straining to push back against its massive size.
“This thing’s just huge.”, remarked freshman Senator Madison Cawthorn (NC-11, or NC-17 for women trying to escape his car), “I haven’t seen a package this size in my entire career, which started six weeks ago and ends in 2023.”
Mitch McConnell, Senator from the state that brought us Rand Paul, tried to downplay the size of the package while still complaining about its throbbing enormity. “The President is trying to fill a massive hole – a handie – I mean handout – to the radical left. But this package is not the answer; the American people are worried about its raging turbidity and would prefer a smaller, mushroom-shaped package that doesn’t do as much.” He then stormed off of the Senate floor and returned to his evening routine of kicking Guatamelan toddlers who recently fled war zones.
Marjorie Taylor Greene (LSD-03) exclaimed “Joe Biden’s package will be ousted on March 20th! And if not then, at a later date as per the very ancient Grateful Dead Sea Scrolls, which I update every time they don’t come through for me”, at which point Jerry Garcia rose from the ground and slapped the hell out of her.
“His package is, like, this big,” said Ted Cruz (MX-01, pictured below), “and I am imagining trying to carry it right now. You see? THIS big.”
“Ted Cruz” by Gage Skidmore is licensed under CC BY-SA 2.0
Jim Jordan (OH-4), sweat visibly staining his polyester tie yellow, cautiously asked “Do you think he likes wrestling?”