Tucker Carlson unleashed a furious tirade against Jesus Christ today on his nightly Fox News segment, “WAAAHHHH, with Tucker Carlson”. Carlson, who has a long history of popularizing the polar opposite of Christ’s teachings, accused the widely-misinterpreted Lord and Savior of perpetrating “cancel culture” against sin.
“This liberal insanity – He just wants sin to disappear! Like it never happened! And what even IS ‘sin’, anyway? Can anybody define sin? I can’t.”, said Carlson, as frogs rained down on his indoor desk, crushing legions of leftover locusts from the previous show. “Cancel culture has gone nuts in this country! First they want to cancel six minor Dr. Seuss books, and now sin? We need to return to traditional American values – Western culture, racism in childrens’ books, and SIN – or the whole idea of America is OVER.”
Editor’s note: Jesus is not white and His Earthly ministry happened centuries before the Advent (lulz thanks) of Western culture.
Twitter personality and resurrection survivor @JesusActualNoReallyItsMeIMeanIt subtweeted Carlson during the show: “I cancelled sin? You’re still here… #lightningboltlol #isaiahfivetwenty #staytuned”.
Our request to Fox News for comment has received no response.
DISCLAIMER: We at Brown Charley have not independently confirmed that the @JesusActualNoReallyItsMeIMeanIt account is actually run by Jesus Himself. It could be Timothy or, more likely, the snarky and clever Epaphroditus managing His online presence.